Wednesday, January 23, 2013

renewal



I had no intention of being absent from this space for so long. I have gotten a number of emails and haven't responded to any of the comments on the previous posts. The real reason for my absence is that my computer hard drive crashed just before Christmas. It's repair began with my brother and has continued with Mike, in an attempt to copy all the information to a new hard drive. This is still in progress and even now, I am writing from Mike's work computer. Photos...I am missing photos. They are all trapped on my computer and camera.(Came back and added them 2/8!)

Anyway, I am not sure when my computer will be fixed. During winter break, its absence was lovely. Now, it is down right inconvenient and moderately annoying and I am embarassedly grateful for my iPhone, which has kept me limitedly connected.

So, I figured, photos or not (and they would illuminate this post so beautifully, so I will come back to add them at some point), I wanted to come say hello and share how perfectly the word renewal has already been for our family. So very much has happened the first three weeks of 2013. This will most certainly be a year of adventures and doors opening and closing.


Where to start? Everywhere at once, I suppose. Perhaps I should just start by saying I feel like a completely different person than I did a month ago. I am a different person.

I started 2013 pregnant. Yup...very much on the same timeline I was on when pregnant 2 years ago. Cutting to the chase, this baby (now named Hope, as it was my word for last year) did not survive. I am sad, but I am okay too. With Sage, I felt this impermeable pain. This time, renewal is hugging me and telling me it is time to let go of this dream and move forward, refocusing on those around me. We never told the kids (so if you know them and us, please don't say anything.) This has mostly felt right, but they are so good with babies, want another sibling, and still talk about Sage, so it has felt midly dishonest to me, too.



The other big (bigger, as this beautiful babe of mine lives and thrives) news is that we are now homeschoolers. On the first day back to school after winter break, we went into school and disenrolled Lala. We are homeschooling through a charter for support, we are already part of a loving homeschool co-op (with old and new friends), and are currently just 2.5 weeks in (the pregnancy loss having happened during the first week, altering that week a lot), so still finding and making our new groove.



I feel as though we have been in this very strange, internal place lately. We also lost a friend to cancer already this year. A friend from Lala's former school community, which in its early days was such a strong group of like minded parents. He has left an 8 and 10 year old that I am holding close in my heart and mind. This has left me feeling sad and yet so grateful that I can reach out and hold mine close a little longer.

I hope to be back soon, with photos, more stories, and the beginnings of a record of our homeschool journey, but for now, wishing you all peace and renewal.

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